As an exchange student on a budget, you learn to not get petty morals get in the way of the bigger picture: to return home in as little financial debt as possible. Throughout my five months in Paris, I have jumped the turnstile in the metro countless times, even with a "discounted" student card. One time, I was caught. Here's what transpired.
NB: The following post is not a how-to guide on avoiding Paris' exorbitant public transport fees... although if you've lived there long enough (anywhere beyond five days), you will have had sufficient tutelage from local kids on how to circumvent the archaic ticketing system in a variety of ways - depending on your level of cunning, physical capability or just plain dumb luck. This post might however be useful should you want to know what happens if you get caught (Merde!).
So one fine day, I was on my way to say good-bye to my Lithuanian room-mate Dovile and was running late (and I was running late because on my way there I stopped by a Cambodian demonstration at the Trocadero Eiffel viewing platform protesting against the Hun Sen administration and in my awe I lost track of time.) As I approached the turnstile in my haste, I neglected to check for any Agent Smiths wearing the RATP 'Securité' uniform and relied on the constantly surging crowds from within the station to provide my cover (and pay for my metro fee of 1.70E.) Alas, three of them - tinted sunglasses, bland smiles and all - were waiting for me beyond the gantry as I straightened out of my crouched stance and short-lived moment of glee.
I was dragged into a corner and told to show my ticket - what frakking rabbit they wanted me to pull out of my ass when they saw me duck under the turnstile themselves? When I was obviously unable to do so, they started demanding to see my passport and reeling off the fines. I did try to save myself - suddenly, I couldn't understand french, english or hand gestures; I was just a student, I was sorry and would never do it again; I didn't have my passport nor any money with me (both thankfully hidden in the breast pocket of my dad's hobo-esque windbreaker); I was late and it was just that one time, etc.
Unfortunately, the batards were really good at their jobs (ie. being jackasses) and in addition to having heard every trick in the book a thousand times, they had no qualms about using intimidation tactics on tourists (!) I had never felt so alone in peak-hour traffic - to be detained, held stationary by a trio of hyenas, while the herds sped by you, either avoiding looking in Agent Smiths' soulless eyes or gazing at you with their poncy law-abiding vindication. They had also caught another two German tourists and were trying to shout them into submission - a fact that interested me little now that I knew whatever we did, we were all about to get severely frakked over by the Paris judiciary system.
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND (I'm taking a page out of all those eyeball-desperate social media sites here) - it still blows mine how I actually got out of this.
So instead of staring at the Smiths with vitriol (which, gee i wonder why, doesn't work), I started making simple conversation en francais with one of them. Asking simple things like how many people they caught a day, laughing ruefully with them, discussing the vastness of the metro and the challenges of their job, stuff like that. After all, I kinda sorta was at fault; we had to wait for the damn PJs (police judiciares) to come and arrest (I'm serious) me; the air was getting awkward and they were just doing their job...
... and after 30 seconds, the officer went, "I think we can let this one go," and THEY LET ME GO WITHOUT A FINE. They caught me, detained me, scared me... and then they released my sorry ass, all because I tried being nice instead of hateful!
It was as though they let me go so they would be spared the awkwardness of having a civil conversation with a despicable uncultured tourist!! I'm not sure if the french I used was a key point, but it definitely couldn't have hurt!:D It goes to show that a little kindness does go a long way - everyone likes to be appreciated for the work they do, after all. As Sun Tze said, when you stop struggling against sinking....you find that you can float. (OK, he didn't. but its a very good strategy and if he would have thought of it I'm sure it would've made it into his Art of War. You're welcome.)
I've recorded this story down because I would like to look back on this and laugh in the future, but also this episode is replete with life lessons - it's all about how you treat people; kindness begets kindness; and shit happens but you can usually get yourself out of it by thinking on your feet. I also hope that you find this experience funny, but above that useful as a management strategy to you, dear reader, if ever you find yourself afoul of the Smiths, or in any critical life situation in the future. :)
