Small things like:
Mum packing all the leftovers for ah ma when shed said earlier shed pack a portion of it.
Dad egging her to take it all to ah ma, although id wanted to make lunch for us out of the leftovers and i was the one who paid for the paofan. I suspect cos dad doesnt like to eat leftovers.
Me not feeling that hungry anyway but dad not making any move to get lunch for himself, which made me feel annoyed that i. he wasnt taking care of himself (and me), ii. he was probably waiting for me to start lunch somehow and that iii. i started to feel guilty for being petty and not showing more concern for my dad even though i was s a grown ass adult
Feeling underaccomplished and unseen after a friend gathering (irrational, but now recognise it as psychological retribution for overcompensating) and ruminating on lost time
Smol things grow into big things as we draw the linkages in our heads. Why i care so much, why dont my siblings care as much, why dont my parents care as much, why doesnt my friends and family care as much - till the narrative gets so warped and twisted that u can almost see the devils horns in it.
Over the years, ive think ive grown to recognise these links to the same childhood events over and over again as trauma. Now that i think about it, these connections we form with our past bad experiences are like boggarts. They masquerade as causality, but once we can recognise them for what they are, they become tragically comical. Because they exist only in our beliefs, and reveal our true fragilities and fears.
Unfortunately, i usually only recognise them post mood or meltdown, after im thinking straighter. But im getting better - hopefully, eventually to the point i can grab them by the horns when i feel them charging at me.
A change of scenery helps, ive found. Exercise too. If i cant leave the enviromment, a tidying jag makes for a more productive time while im draining out my emotions. And bobbo. Bobbo always helps.
