today was the annual pilgrimage to pay respects to ancestors!
every year, i complain about going.
but every year, im glad i went. :)
cos somehow, something intangible is gained from this trip.
maybe its relief :)
its an escape to another world on this world.
plus its much better now that cousins are old enough to come too.
anyhow, this year was much more sombre.
our party sort of got split up in the crowd; i was with my grandad.
my sis later told me that granma brought the other group to look at the future resting place where she wanted her ashes to be placed.
what do you say to that?
in retrospect, thank goodness i was with grandad. i think i would have started crying immediately. and grandma will scold me and i'll cry even harder. something like that. end up everyone will start crying.
i always thought that i wouldnt cry if a family member passed away. not cos im a heartless bitch who would be calculating inheritence or something (wow, just the thought of that makes me feel like im going to be struck by lightning.) but cos at least they wont feel pain anymore, that kinda thing. but then, after this incident today i think it would be totally the opposite. im not a buddhist, neither am i a fan of buddhism. but at that time all i could think of was how its good grandma is an avid believer, cos there seems to be enough deities and gods that one will take care of her in the next life. maybe it was the giant buddha statues at the temple; they look especially ci xiang. (benevolent)
crap. my grandma hasnt even passed on yet and im making it sound like she's on her last legs. i seriously deserve to be shot. multiple times.
somehow, when a person passes on, it always feels like everyone BESIDES the person who passed on is grieving. probably because ive never heard of anyone who had the courage to ask a dying person if he/ she is afraid of death. i wonder if when the time comes, i'd be sad i was going to die. but heck, its a process everyone goes through anyway. like puberty.
lousy analogy. :P
anyway, elise and i were swapping insensitive comments about how we wanted our living relatives to treat us when we passed on. in case anyone is interested, please dont burn anything for me. all u have to do is have a picnic every year in my honour, and grow a plant for every year anniversary. towgay also can.
ok, i have to switch off the morbid thoughts now, and move them to my HOMEWORK, WHICH IS ACTUALLY MORE MORBID IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. the more i do homework, the more i want to whack my head on the wall. :P
